"My own plans are made..."

 Coming back from a two week worldview/leadership conference where you're completely saturated in Christ and surrounded by people who are admittedly traveling this narrow road with you is a very difficult thing indeed. There is much heartache involved but also much joy. The lessons we bring back with us however are immeasurably important to our walk with Christ.

 One such lesson I learned this time around was a surprise to me, as I thought I had already learned it. But it turns out that God's ideas of "lessons learned" and mine, are completely different.

 I used to think that in order to be a good Christian I had to wake up early every day, spend at least an hour reading the bible, at least another fifteen minutes praying, and I had to be not just happy but joyful about it.
 Well if you know me very well, you know that I am not a morning person the majority of the time. So this was quite a challenge for me, and most of the time I ended up feeling like a complete and utter failure, because I just wasn't good enough for this lifestyle that I wanted to live. And I didn't have a heart yearning for Christ enough to put my self aside and just rise early or enjoy worship. It wasn't until I returned from Summit and started talking through my experiences that I realized what God had taught me.

 At Summit we are broken up into something called small groups, divided according to age, so there were only seven to nine in a group. They are designed to create a safe place for us to talk about and relate everything going on in us during our time there. Each group has a leader, either a guy or girl depending on the gender of the group. Their jobs are to invest in us, help us grow and be there for us when we need a mentor, counselor, or friend.

  My small group leaders name was Sarah Jane Hall, and a apart from her being stinkin' amazing. She also did an amazing job of helping us know Christ better just by loving us well.

  There was a particular instance where she was there for me in a way I thought no one could be. I remember talking to her late one night about this particular problem and feeling absolutely accepted and loved. Not seen for my sin, but seen as a redeemed person in Christ. I went to bed feeling closer to Christ then I had in a long while.

  Sarah Jane was able to open the door to let Christ love me through her, and it touched my heart in such a way as to bring me closer to Him. I remember praying that night just before sleep took over : God, I want to begin with you and end with you, everyday. I had reached an understanding not just with my mind but with my heart that Christ was my home. The place I felt accepted and loved and cherished. And I knew that as long as I could begin and end there, then I could poor out to the people around me in the same way Sarah Jane had done for me.

 This experience prompted me to want to be with Christ even when I got home from Summit. So I created a plan of study time, and started spending time every morning ( no matter what time I got up ) and evening just talking to God. Or maybe in more simple terms, going back to the place I had come to know as home.

  And it hasn't taken any excruciating effort, because my heart is in it. And it's what I want.

 I don't want to say that rising at the crack of dawn, reading for an hour and praying for fifteen minutes every day is a bad thing. But I've come to realize that it does not have to be how you spend time with God. As simple of a realization as that sounds.

  The act of having devotional time, means literally being devoted to Christ. Which means it is a matter of the heart.

 My suggestion, if you're struggling with having a heart for it, is this : sometimes your heart does not always want what's right and you have to use your feet to take it there. This may sound crazy, but sometimes just doing the deed will get you there.
 Also, cry out to God. Tell Him you want to have a heart for pursuing Him but you're not feeling it that much. He's a big God, He can handle our feeble little hearts and our uncooperative emotions. Ultimately it will be a change of heart that gets you there, and Christ will have to change it for you if you cannot.

 For me, Christ had to change it. And now that He has I find myself drawn in more and more everyday. To quote a favorite artist of mine who I'd say pretty accurately describes the longing for this place I now call home :

 "Wisdom will honor everyone who will learn to listen, to love, and to pray and discern and to do the right thing even when it burns and to live in the light through each treacherous turn. A man is weak, but the spirit yearns to keep on course from the bow to the stern and throw overboard every selfish concern that tries to work for what can't be earned. Sometimes the only way to return is to go where the winds will take you. And to let go of all you cannot hold onto. For the hope beyond the blue."
  "Trouble has beset my ways, and wicked winds have blown. Sirens call my name, they say they'll ease my pain, then break me on the stones. But true love is the burden that will carry me back home. Carry me with the memories of the beauty I have known. I'm sailing home to you, I won't be long. By the light of moon I will press on. So tie me to the mast of this old ship and point me home."
                

                                                                          ~Josh Garrels






                                                                          
And here's another from a brave little mouse because it so articulately describes the cry of my heart :

  “My own plans are made. While I can, I sail east in the Dawn Treader. When she fails me, I paddle east in my coracle. When she sinks, I shall swim east with my four paws. And when I can swim no longer, if I have not reached Aslan’s country, or shot over the edge of the world into some vast cataract, I shall sink with my nose to the sunrise..." 
                                                                  ~ Reepicheep